Soon the strangers make their way to the planet ruler, an unsightly creature. With an evil grin (at least as far as our two interstellar friends remember), he asks them: “Have you met my children yet? Hahahaha!”

Jan Willem Nijman and Jonathan Barbosa Dijkstra have built a nice little tale here that is bound to teach you some things about yourself, about humanity, and, above all, about the butt-ugly word shmup.

S.T.A.C.K.E.R. by Pishtaco blends the two really successful “Soviet” game exports into one: S.T.A.L.K.E.R. and Tetris. The game mechanics of both stay intact. Blocks, items and artifacts drop from the sky, developing the story as you are advancing further into the zone and serving as “power ups”. Dogs, barbed wire and bandits attack you on your way.

Then come the mental effects: The radiation starts affecting your sanity if you don’t protect yourself from it. The deeper you get into the zone, the harder it gets to stay calm. Where Tetris builds up pressure by speedings things up, S.T.A.C.K.E.R. evokes real fear by tightening the narrative. A narrative told by dropping blocks.

But things start changing. Your physical strength decreases, you start to become more aware of all the barriers and obstacles you have to overcome, and things that were once important for you start to lose colour and significance. Now all there is left for you to do is think about what you’ve missed. Things I Never Did. And you will never be able to go back and do them.

On this journey of life in 2:00 minutes you are accompanied by a pretty gawky string soundtrack that bears a slight reminiscence of the popular Jeopardy “time is running out” theme. Don’t feel mocked.

Well, Jazzuo is a guy who is obviously taking seafood cooking classes in Japan and dressing up as a yellow ninja. Now, imagine Sexy Hiking to be the creative outcry of a sensitive soul, caught between seafood and ninja masquerade. You are exposed to a world of wrongness and pain, and despite the salacious name of the game you are chastely equipped with nothing but a 3D hammer, 3D boots and your ability to glitch gravity. The author does little to help or guide you on your quest:

use the humer as if u were really climbing something and ull see

to hang on rope u have to have the left mouse button pressed!

Now all there is left for you is to hike, hike with your hammer, hike over trees, stone walls, waterfalls, and all the while be careful not to violate the boundaries of this hiking universe: The floor is not always what it seems, and the set of rules to be used against you can be stretched ultimately.

To hike all over to my introduction – again: Lots of people have already praised the surrealist potential of this game, while others still fail to see it. In my opinion, if I were to name a single game that is honestly kafkaesque in its game mechanics, graphical presentation and general feel, oppressive in its set of rules, yet still giving the player a deceptive feeling of control, it would have to be Sexy Hiking.